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And then he smiled.

by Megan

Defeated.

That’s how I feel tonight. Every ounce of energy I have has been used up. The kids are all finally asleep, and I have a chance to do something for myself, but I’m too tired.

Today I ran errands, washed dishes, did laundry, picked up toys, got kids dressed, made meals, cleaned up after meals, did drop off, did pick up, took the baby to a doctor’s appointment, broke up arguments, facilitated homework, hosted a play date, changed diapers, took out the recycling in the rain, and spent about 14 of the past 15 hours either feeding or just holding a baby who wouldn’t sleep.

And even after all that, there are dishes to be washed, laundry to be done, floors to be swept and mopped, trash to be taken out, shelves to be decluttered, bins to be unpacked, clothes to be put away, rooms to be picked up and organized…

Harrison slept through the night the past two nights, which is awesome. But today he didn’t nap more than a combined 60 minutes all day. And just about all of his awake time was spent in my arms. I nursed him at least 10-12 times in the 15 hours we were awake today.

I tried to put him to bed a little while ago, but when he kept fussing, I went to lie down with him…and found a big pile of laundry on my bed. Which I relocated to the couch.

I lay down with the baby, who did fall asleep. But then he woke up. And needed a diaper change.

I walked him very slowly down the hallway to the changing table in his room, feeling like I could just drop and fall asleep right there on the floor. Instead I got him to his room and started changing his diaper, feeling just completely drained.

Then I looked down at him.

He was looking up at me. And he was smiling. The biggest, wide-open mouthed, gummy grins only a two-month-old can give. It melted my heart and I cried. Then I gave him the love-filled hugs and kisses that only a mom can give.

Sometimes I sacrifice selflessly, and sometimes a little bit resentfully. I hope there’s a whole lot more of the former and a whole lot less of the latter. Some days are a little easier, and some are a little harder.

Moms, You. Kick. Ass.

You sacrifice everything. Your time, your body, your careers, your money, your sanity, and sometimes even your dreams. Another year goes by, and what do you have to show for it? A thousand meals prepared? 300 loads of laundry? A few more gray hairs?

And maybe one sweet baby smile on a rainy night when you needed it, oh so badly?

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9 comments

Kate Eschbach September 2, 2013 - 3:53am

Oh sweet Megan. You are amazing. It is so draining. You hang in there and keep going. You are a rockstar!

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Super Busy Mum {Debs} September 2, 2013 - 7:37am

Cutest post/photo EVER! Nothing can beat your bubbas first smiles! He’s such a handsome little guy xx

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Felicias Red Door Life September 2, 2013 - 5:41pm

Those first few months are always so hard, I lived for those smiles. Now that mine are older it’s the random fly by hugs and kisses that make those hard days liveable.

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Jacy Pulford September 2, 2013 - 2:47pm

It is honorable that you are open and honest! We all need to be that way and realize that we can’t do it all. So sweet that you were able to receive what you needed to be inspired, momma :)
Blessings,
Jacy

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Kimberley Tobin September 2, 2013 - 4:33pm

Gummy smiles are my absolute favorite. Turns my mood around in an instant :) Megan, You. Kick. Ass!

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Darcus September 2, 2013 - 5:17pm

Last night my two month old screamed and cried for hours and would hardly eat. I was reduced to tears multiple times and even once left her with my husband and fled to our bedroom crying. Around 10:45, my husband decided to turn on Blues Clues because she gets so absorbed into it. We never want to use the television as a baby sitter but last night we were desperate. We even ended up moving the futon out and slept in the living room last night just so she would stay calm. I ended up with maybe a total of two hours sleep. But this morning, just like you experienced, I got her smiles. (And she has a cleft so they’re even bigger!) Still tiring. I’m exhausted. But her smiles are worth it. I’m so happy this post popped up in my inbox this morning. Good to know I’m not the only one. :)

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Layla Tenney September 3, 2013 - 4:37pm

I love this bit of honesty and often feel the same. Love your writing and agree that you are a total rock star. Love you Sister. You are not alone.

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Layla Tenney September 3, 2013 - 4:42pm

I love this bit of honesty and often feel the same. Love your writing and agree that you are a total rock star. Love you Sister. You are not alone.

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